The Life of Nathan Griffin

Test

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:58:59 GMT

This is a test. This is only a test.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:00:49 GMT

It's come on fast... my inability to cope with my job. My patience grows thin and I feel my insides slowly turning black. Some might say I'm being melodramatic and I would agree that it does seem that way. But when everyday I have to deal with the dark people of the world (see "crazy, homeless, tranny hooker, drunk, on drugs, smelly, thieving, drooling, inconsiderate, tag up the bathroom with your ghetto marker shit on a daily basis, piss on the floor, plug up our sink and leave the water running, come into our store regarrdless of how many times I've told you not to come back and ask EVERY customer for money or to buy you a drink and then wonder why I'm telling you AGAIN that you have to leave... the list goes on") it very quickly turns you angry and cold.

Yes, it's my JOB at Starbucks to 'embrace diversity' but this goes too far. I didn't sign up for this. I wanted to make coffee drinks and to socialize with interesting (non 'dark people') people. I didn't want to feel my soul crushed on a daily basis. To see myself becoming cold and indifferent to EVERYONE that walks through the door because I automatically assume you're an asshole or psychotic or that I'll have to kick you out in 10mins. And I didn't want to have to do it all under the guise of "embracing diversity."

I'm falling apart. I'm drinking almost every night. I don't feel good when I leave for work. All I can think is... "survive this day" because it means one more paycheck. Because it means I have a job. Because it means Carey and I can get married. Because it means Carey and I can take a day or two off and do something together. But this isn't what I want out of life and I keep telling myself there's GOT to be an answer. I suppose when I figure it out, I'll have to share it with the world because I'm sure they're all looking too.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:23:33 GMT

This has got to be ... one of the MOST difficult days I've had to get through in a long time.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 05:54:32 GMT

Truth be told, I'm tired. Yes'm. Tired.

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 05:59:39 GMT

I am %99 confident that I'll be doing most of my blogging on my new website

nathanegriffin.com

It's been a long time coming and after setting up Carey with her own 'space' at careykirk.com to blog about our upcoming wedding and what-not and having been running theheadproject.com with wordpress for almost a year now, seeing the great features it has and the customizable nature of wordpress in general, it seems like the most obvious move.

I'm sure I'll never really LEAVE the Livejournal community but "independant blogging" has its appeal.

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 22:45:45 GMT

Do you ever just... want to do something USEFUL and GOOD with your life?

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 02:58:36 GMT

There's something about this time of year... It's a reflective time, it's a costly time, both financially and emotionally and for some it's a lonely time (even with family and friends around). It's a time of change and looking ahead at the coming year.

I'll admit, for me it's hard. At least right now. I've been terrible about writing updates on my life for a long while now but a lot has happened in the last few months. Hell, a lot has happened in the last year and as I look back on it, I can't believe most of it.

More recent news. I finally got the promotion I'd been working towards. I'm now an ASM (Assistant Store Manager) for Starbucks but as with all things, it came with a price and I'm still trying to decide if it was worth it or not. For the last year I've worked a pretty regular Mon-Fri schedule with weekends off to spend at home with Carey. Since my promotion, I've been moved to a 24hr store with a schedule that leaves much to be desired. As my mother likes to note, I don't deal well when my life doesn't have routine and I'm noticing more lately how true it is. I'm confident it's a mixture of a lot of things but I've certainly noticed a change in my emotional health since starting my new job. Even as I sit here writing this, trying to sort out the events of this past year, the rollercoaster of emotions, the myriad changes I've faced, the adjustments we (Carey and I) have made in our lives, the growth, the steps backward and the bumps along the way, I find myself holding back a wellspring of tears that I know with certainty are long overdue.

In other news, Carey and I are officially engaged. This too I'm sure is long overdue hehe. It's true that from the day I met her, what feels both like yesterday and a century ago, I knew that she and I should spend the rest of our lives together. It was only a matter of working out the particulars. For the last many months, we've been talking about our wedding, at first very casually until one day Carey came home and said she'd just purchased her wedding dress. And so it went... talking and planning for a wedding. It's been a very non-traditional experience. I made her a temporary engagement ring out of FIMO modeling clay until my great-grandmothers engagement ring came in from my mom and although I'm sure we're not "on schedule" with how much planning we should already have complete, I think we're doing fine. We'll be married October 3rd of next year. For more info on our wedding (and other things Carey writes about) feel free to check out the blog I set up for her here.

This past year has been sprinkled with a mixture of good times and hard times but in the end, I still find myself looking back in amazement at where life has taken me in a little over a year. Carey is and forever will be the very best thing to happen to me and although Chicago can be a tough city at times, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be so long as she and I are here together.

* * *

more to come later I think :))

A good 5mins watching M's copulate

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 17:55:59 GMT

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm0mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 01:11:51 GMT

The good news:
I FINALLY got my promotion at work. Starbucks ASM.

The bad news:
There hasn't been much actual communication from my current SM or DM so I still have no 'official' idea what store I'll be at, how much I'll be making, when I start or what my schedule is going to look like.

This promotion means a great deal in terms of my financial situation as I just recently realized that without Carey buying things like groceries, I would not survive. But it also means that although I'll have a great deal of 'extra' income with which to pay off bills (and collections), save and buy a few fun things, it may also mean a huge change in current life with Carey. For the most part, my schedule has me home for dinner and evenings with Carey and we have our weekends together off as my store is only a 5-day/wk store. But with this promotion, I've heard whispering that I may be moving to a 7-day/24hr store which means my schedule COULD be anything.

It'll be an interesting change and I'm excited mostly by the financial implications.

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 03:44:13 GMT

It's been two years in the making and today I had my 'Assistant Store Manager' interview with Starbucks. Needless to say, I passed. Which means in a week or two, I'll be the ASM for my very own store. Not only does this mean a lot in terms of my finances, but it means a lot in terms of the work I've put in with Starbucks. I've been with them (Starbucks) for two years now and this is a really interesting time to be promoted, what with the changing economy and all.

My store manager, Monica, called me tonight to give me the good news and I was a little surprised by what she said. It seems that I used the used the word crap multiple times during my interview (which surprises me because I can't think of WHEN I said that or WHY I would have said that... regardless of how nervous I was).

AND, it seems the interviewers (two District Managers) thought I came off as a bit cocky or over-confident... which is ALSO strange because I tend to give off the air of humility. But I can't help it if I believe I'm good at what I do... though Carey says I have a 'tone of voice' which often feels like cocky-ness. Interesting.

Well, I'd guess I'd better start thinking about what I want to spend that extra money on every month!!

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 17:55:21 GMT

I don't think I will ever be finished ripping all of my CD's onto my computer/iTunes. It seems I've really been doing a little bit here, a little bit there for a year or so and each time I turn around, I find another crate or box of them staring at me... at which point, I'm not sure if it's a crate/box that I've already copied or not (since I have no idea what to do with the actual CD's once they ARE on my computer). Bleh. It's a sad state of affairs.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:19:11 GMT

It's a good Friday night.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:48:58 GMT

Effexor.
It's that time again. Sadly, I think it just may be work that's setting me off. I'm having bad dreams about breakdowns now and yesterday I was ready to scream, rip all my hair out, send everyone home because they (including management) were pissing me off and not doing their jobs and burst into tears... God bless Starbucks. But hey, I interview for Assistant Manager next week. hahahaha.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:38:25 GMT

Today is Veterans Day? What the hell. I should call work and tell them I won't be in today, I'm taking advantage of my status as a veteran, and will instead be at home, thinking about my fellow vets... or at least thinking about all of the folks who are still enlisted.

... does "Currently Enlisted Day" even exist? If not, dammit it should.

A Project Post

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 05:04:28 GMT

If you read this and want to help make a decision... (god bless democracy)
check out the website. Answer the question. Be happy.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 19:16:28 GMT

I need a new computer game to play.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:24:48 GMT

I am a man lacking in patience at times. Not because I am selfish but because I see life as something rather finite and sometimes wonder how much of it I have left. And I often measure the benefit of a project based on how great it can be before my time is up. I won't turn this back into a project/creative blog of any sort but I do have to complain for a moment.

The Head Project is something that I work on daily and just last night I realized that it's something I've been working on (again) for almost six months. Now, I've always envisioned a great future for The Head Project but I have to wonder, when in 6 months, the project has seen only 12 contributors where am I going wrong? Things just feel like they're moving too slowly. And I pretend that it has a following, that it's already some cult project that people care about and with only 12 actual contributors, I add lots of features to a site that doesn't get that much traffic to begin with and when those features get no response (for obvious reasons) I get upset... but really, there's got to be a method to this whole running a project thing. Or maybe it really DOES take a year. Or.. .something. I'm just bitching for no other reason than it feels good. Ignore me.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:21:23 GMT

It's 10:59, do you know where your kids are?
Okay, so there's something wrong these days and I don't know exactly what it is. It could be something at work, it could be something home, it could be something totally obscure that I'll never be able to identify or it could be some of each, but whatever it is, it's bothering the fuck out of me and driving me insane.

I can't really remember WHEN right now is. I realize that doesn't make sense but... I can't pinpoint NOW as a moment different from any other moment for what feels like months. These last few weeks feel like one giant pile of days in which I've had NO time to sit down and unwind and yet... as Carey said to me earlier, I didn't do anything Sunday. But why don't I remember Sunday? Why can't I place the day as a day that I actually relaxed? I honestly don't even remember it. All I remember is moving... nonstop moving... for what feels like weeks.

I still work at Starbucks. And it's a job that requires a pretty constant state of motion and more often than not, it's quite loud. People talking over one another in the cafe, baristas talking to customers, espresso machines working, blenders blending, people yelling out drinks one on top of the other, over the already loud voices in the cafe, over the blenders and the other people yelling out drinks and so on and so forth... and for the longest time, I've not had to think twice about blocking out all of the 'white noise.' But lately, I can't concentrate or hear anything but an ever-louder orchestra of trashcan noise. Each and every voice from 25 people in the store layered on top of blenders and espresso machines and talk talk talk talk talk and whirrrr and chink and WEEE! and laugh and click and pshh like the volume control knob is slowly being turned up inside my brain until it's almost blinding and it becomes hard to breathe and I TRULY do just want to rip out my insides and spread them on the floor so they can get some air because.... it's suffocating.

And as I lay in bed moments ago, my feet screaming to escape the heavy covers, my hands jittery and my brain still moving, listening to the sound of Carey breathing and the sound of the dog breathing heavily from the floor, my chest grew tight and my brain turned to a spinning mush until I couldn't stand it any longer and I threw the covers off to come in here and type.

And to add to all of this, the cat has a strange addiction to licking/gnawing on plastic bags of any kind which... as you can imagine, in my state, is enough to drive me to drink deisel fuel.

My chest is near bursting and I wish there were a way to release some of this pressure. I would say I need a vacation but... if it's anything like recent days off (which I'm still skeptical of actually having any of) I probably wouldn't remember it anyhow so what good would it do me?

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:33:41 GMT

I realize that everyone is going to be posting about this but... I need to say...
I was going to vote Republican. I thought I'd play it safe. For a number of reasons, all personal, none of which matter at this moment. But as I waited in line to vote; as I worked my way from the escalator to the polling machine, to place my vote for the VERY FIRST TIME in my life, I had a thought. I thought that maybe I was going about things all wrong. That maybe my view of the world and the way I looked at classes and race were a bit skewed.

I like Obama. I like that regardless of how many skeletons he has in his closet (as we all do) I believe that he sees good in this country and that he truly does believe that there is a positive future in store for us if we come together.

I've heard some bothersome things (today in particular) on the bus while on the way to work which made it very difficult for me to feel good about things because, I will be completely honest, I struggle (as does the rest of this country) with a certain sense of racism, but I can't help but be amazed at tonight... this is a part of history. This is a moment when I feel the country has finally realized that politics is NOT beyond their grasp and that a hope for a better future is all we need to change history.

... in the end, I voted for Obama. And I'm proud to say that I'm a part of this historic moment.

PS. I'm SLIGHTLY intoxicated so please excuse any stupidity. But no matter HOW you voted, you have to admit, beyond your prejudice (that you may or may not admit exists) this is a historic moment and regardless of how Obama does as president, it says something about the state of our country and the willingness of people to stand up and let their voice be heard.

The Big Red Barn

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 03:34:15 GMT

I know they sort of already exist but... why can't I just work on a farm... not just any farm, but a farm with a giant red barn and a printmaking studio and a potters wheel and kiln, and a woodshop, the corner of which is filled with found wood of all kinds from everywhere and maybe a place to build and reupholster furniture off to the side... and a huge kitchen full of people making amazing food from veggies straight out of the garden and cakes with amazing decorations and a paper making studio. And we'd have every 'tool' imaginable for everything from puppet-making to glass blowing and there'd the this amazing cross-pollination of ideas and creative projects and shared knowlege. Oh and a photo 'lab' and darkroom... and livestock... can't have a farm without livestock. And we'd have summer programs for kids from local schools and 4H groups and 'retreats' for folks who just want to get away and do something creative while enjoying the camaraderie of other creative folks and maybe we'd go on hiking trips when we wanted to or toss the kayaks on the roof of my Jeep and head into the mountains on a lovely spring day. Maybe we'd sell our wares from a DIY/CRAFTERS boutique/antique shop/coffee shop/internet cafe and my mom could watch all the kids (cuz she likes doing that sorta thing) and my dad could sell stuff on ebay (cuz he likes doing that sorta thing).

... I mean why not, right. Right? Sure.
le sigh.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:32:19 GMT

What I do so love about the world is this...
... that I can find myself brought to tears on the last page of a book written 150 years ago.

For those who have never read it, I suggest it. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. It took me a time to finish but I think it was the right time in my life for this book.

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known." - Sydney Carton

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 03:27:57 GMT

I'm going to follow up my last post with this...
... I don't get "Fantasy Football." It's true, I don't really get football in general so that makes things slightly more difficult but for those of us 'geeks' that have enjoyed things like Dungeons and Dragons and MMORPG's, I've got to ask, is 'Fantasy Football' like that.... except for football fans?!

What it means to be me.

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 21:55:30 GMT

Sometimes I worry that I'm not everything she thought I was.
Sometimes I worry that my obvious susceptibility for depression and/or manic behavior (really high one week, really low the next) is slowly taking its toll on our relationship
Sometimes I worry when I reach out my hand for hers as we walk and it isn't there
Sometimes I worry that I'm not good enough
Sometimes I worry that I don't provide enough
Sometimes I worry that I will never be the same to her as her old friends... and that somehow it means I'm not enough (of course I support the need for 'other' friends)
Sometimes I worry that everything I've worked hard for in my life is merely a hobby or a distraction
Sometimes I worry when the house is too quiet... that it somehow means that she's giving up on me.
Sometimes I worry when she says that she's worried about me. Because the truth is, I worry about myself...

[And let me just say. I know she loves me. But I'm human]

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 23:55:39 GMT

why I love my girlfriend.. just do.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 20:58:03 GMT

I just don't feel right up here *points to head* these days.
I just wish I could identify why.

Because I'm sure it's causing [I don't feel like finishing this entry]